Ever since I was little I've felt different. Maybe odd or weird. Or maybe I just see things in a different light. This sense of different outlook has led me to broken friendships, distrust, paranoia and feeling utterly lost in the world.  Sometimes I often wonder if I give people too much of me?  Maybe I trust too easily in the beginning and fantasize about a life that isn't reality. Maybe this world is a dark place  after all. I'm not perfect by any means. I have plenty of flaws that I'm completely aware of. My stubbornness, my distrust in people and my way of protecting myself by shutting down emotionally. But sometimes I find that it's for the best.
I've fallen in love twice in my entire life. Once was to someone whom I had never met before. A boy who lived across the country that I met through a chatroom when I was twelve. I knew we were meant to be. He was this hero in my life that saved me from myself. Made a me realize what love was, what complete trust was and what it was like to have absolute true friendship. This relationship lasted for more than a decade. Though we never met in person, we grew up together. He was handsome and perfect. A smile to die for. He had family troubles but I was by his side as he was for me.  He was a hard worker, working for his family business and also as a firefighter which was truly admirable. I talked about him to people I cared most about, hoping that bringing him into the lives of people around me would bring him physically into my life as well. When I was twenty-two, I had had enough and decided it was time. A friend of mine went along with me as I travelled across the country for the very first time on my own to meet this guy of my dreams. But upon arrival, I discovered he was a complete lie. He never existed. And a decade of my life was a complete sham.
I fell for someone else at the age of twenty four. He was the bad boy type, covered head to toe in tattoos- both meaningful & ridiculous.  Though our relationship didn't last more than a year, I got a son out of it who changed my life completely. I had someone to live for, someone to better my life for, and someone to protect daily.
The second time I fell in love wasn't exactly a great situation. He was married with two children and he worked with me. Sounds like a typical affair story, doesn't it?  I'd be a fool to say that it was different, so call me a fool. Because it was. He was handsome and charismatic and a hard worker- truly great at what he did. Together we made some pretty great projects and helped each other succeed. When we were working, a texting relationship ensued which quickly evolved into a full blown affair. It wasn't about the rush of hiding it, the secrets or the sex, our bond ran deeper than either one of us could have imagined. After five months I was ready to move forward with him, but he didn't feel the same. He would linger and buy time...eventually leading to two years of it all.  And here I am.  I'm now twenty eight years old wondering where my youth went. Wondering if I'll wear a ring on my finger and live out the fairy take bullshit that movies portray, but ends up a complete lie.  What's the point of marriage anyway? Stability? It's just a financial partnership that either succeeds or sucks the life out of you. It looks like a prison cell to me, a place to hold you down and pin you in place because that's what we've been taught- you're life plans end with marriage- buy a house- have kids. The end.
But I've shut myself down. I feel trapped. I'm suffocating. Humans are pain in my eyes.  Malicious creatures who take you for granted, lie and steal from you, and torture a once innocent heart into a steel padlock that pumps blood to keep you from leaving this world of hell and hate. I stay for my son. I will protect him as much as I can and hope that he finds people who don't destroy him the way that they have to me.
I'll wait for my moment. But this year hasn't given me much hope.